Prayer of the Desperate
She had crawled here on her knees
Over the sharp broken bones of her life.
She had come to bargain with every god she had ever heard named.
Bruised clouds closed around the moon
Golden leaves shivered
And she traded away every drop of goodness from her existence.
Her heart torn open
Lay beating on the cold earth
Her breath ragged from tears
Pounded the night air,
As her soul poured out in desperate pleading,
That her son might live.
Seonaid Green 2013
I wrote this 2 years ago, 4 years after the trauma, and it’s that time of year again when the memories come flooding back in. Something about the light, the colours, the scent and sounds creates a pattern which my brain can’t help but match with very difficult emotions and memories. At such times it’s as though I have been literally pulled back into the past, atleast that’s what my brain believes, and the emotions can feel suffocating and all encompassing. The world around me a bewildering mess.
These are times when mindfulness is especially helpful to me, allowing me to come back into the present, into the here and now, where all is well and nobodies life hangs on a thread. Trauma can and will pull us back into the darkness of chaos, but we don’t have to stay there believing the stories of our mind. Instead we can pull ourselves back into the present moment, and immerse ourselves in the new unfolding stories of now. The stories created by our bodily senses, woven fresh on each new breath, carrying us forwards into our life. Calm in the knowledge that the past has indeed passed. Who knows what lies ahead, but right now there’s a freshly brewed pot of coffee filling the kitchen with rich temping smells, and freshly baked bread to be savoured and eaten. This moment is a good one, so I think I’ll stay with it for now, and enjoy its pleasures.
breathofgreenair 
Seonaid, after reading your post, I read through every comment, holding my breath until I read that all had turned out okay. Breathe, Laurie, Breathe.
Even still, trauma is something that stays with us, changes us, never leaves us.
I’m glad you had coffee, baking, and dogs 🙂
wow, sorry to have caused you to hold your breath so long!! There’s not much which dogs, coffee and bread cant fix 😉
Dear Seonaid, what a brutally honest, raw and achingly beautiful post. Thank you for sharing it here with us. I’m now wondering if one of the things that might lie ahead is a coffee with me in Edinburgh? 🙂 I’m back for a little week, flying in the evening of the 25th of Nov. (sorry, I’m mostly a last minute traveller) and the 26th of November should be quite open all day, if it might suit you? Perhaps send me an email on mail@htfisker.com in case this is a good time. If not, I’m pretty sure I’ll be back another time 🙂
These words …and these pictures. I feel the pain and the thankfulness. I know about certain things coming back when there is this string or a chord…I also know about your mindfulness and the long walks with your lovely companions. I often think of you and your lovely family. My warmest hugs to all of you.
Thank you Tina💕It’s a little less raw each year, yet still there. Dog walks are great therapy, but today it was a short one due to high winds and lashing rain….all very seasonal!!
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I think your blog is wonderful! Love love your photos 😀
Thank you so much, and I love the style of your photos💕
What an incredible photo!
Thank you…one of a series I took last December. The sun being so low was such a gift filling the world with caramel coloured light! But only for a few minutes😉✨
Oh Seonaid I didn’t know about this. It sounds like you have woven your way through just as you could and can look back on the pain without losing yourself, looking forward now. Hugs x
Thanks Gilly, there’s always a way through, and mostly it’s fine now…but the changing light and colours always catch me with a double edged sword…a season I have always loved mixed up with something I could spend a lifetime wishing had never happened! The pain doesn’t swallow me whole anymore…it just comes knocking now and again to make sure I haven’t forgotten. Hugs much appreciated Xx💕
Your poem nearly had me in tears. Very powerful. Yes, I know how easy it is to fall back into the ‘black hole’ so I work at keeping a ladder with me! This is one of the reasons I walk the waterfront nearly daily to help keep me in the present and to appreciate the ‘here and now.’ It brings JOY to my life.
As always your writing is poignant and your pictures stunning. Beauty surrounds you!
Gwynn what a lovely comment as always. I love the idea of your ladder, and it seems we are alike in finding the here and now of nature a wonderful tonic against the darker places of the mind. Your last statement almost had me in tears….so we’re even!✨💕✨
Wow your poem speaks to me clearly and loudly and yes trauma has a way to pull you back. It is unfortunate that people can be so malicious especially to children. Makes no sense. Be well with your coffee and bread and yes stay in that moment.
It’s lovely to hear that the words touch something, and even for me reading these words written 2 years ago I recognise that the power of the trauma reduces each year…but doesn’t go away!! It was a road traffic accident, and a very close call, but all turned out well. The coffee, bread and a wild windswept dog walk have sorted me out and pulled me back into life and the now!😊Thanks for your thoughts💕
I know all about the car accident trauma myself which almost took my life. Be well
And you💕thanks again
Hugs from me, Seonaid. Past has indeed pasted, well said.
Thanks Amy, it’s good to remember that simple secret 💕
A time of reflection and thanks for the here and now Seonaid . I understand such times .
I hope your day’s passing well coffee, homebaking and maybe a bracing tramp out in the wild weather with your woolly beasts x
Lol, you know me too well Poppy, that’s exactly how the day played out, and now I’m nice and snug inside again with some rather muddy woolly beasts😊😳💕
“Something about the light, the colours, the scent and sounds creates a pattern . . . ” This line rings so true. It’s amazing how sense can bring us back – good or bad. Beautiful meditation.
Thank you Jennifer, and yes the senses can tumble us inwards to memories or outwards into the lived present. Delighted you enjoyed the post💕
A hard one to respond to Seonaid. The photo is staggeringly beautiful but so much pain surrounds it. I hope that you can find peace in this difficult time for you. Sending hugs xx
Thanks Jo, the poem is probably more pain filled than I feel now. Each year things settle a little deeper, but they get stirred a little as the light dips. Thankfully the outcome was good, but a very close shave! Coming mindfully into the present is so helpful💕
I’m happy to hear that, Seonaid. 🙂
Your poem really tugged at my heart strings, Seonaid. The past can draw us back to memories which are very painful, but thank goodness we can return to live in the present, which is such a precious gift. Sending you *hugs* across the miles. x
Thank you, and thankfully the pull back becomes less intense as the years pass, but just at this time of year I have to work a little harder to stay present in the reality of now. Thanks for the hugs💕
Very moving words and photos. The longer you live the harder the past sometimes tugs at your mind and heart. It takes a lot of effort to stay in the here and now, but it is a much healthier place place to reside. 🙂
I agree Judy, it’s good to come back into the simple sensory pleasures of coffee and bread, and to enjoy life as it is😊💕
Seonaid, not sure how to comment but in my mind I’m sending a hug. Finding your posts in my inbox is always a pleasure.
Well John for me that’s the perfect comment😊 The hard times pass on thankfully….
very moving story
Thank you, a little darker than my usualposts, but its that time of year for me 🙂
I understand this quite well. In autumn I feel as if a part of me is dying. I made a poem in my post autumn, maybe you like that, too. Have a nice day, regards Mitza
The link from your comment takes me to your old blog. Can you post a link for your new one?
it’s called “madebymitza.wordpress.com” Thanks for your interest in my blog. Regards Mitza
Thanks I’ll check it out😊